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Boundaries Part Two – What am I responsible for?

Michele Mulcahy

Updated: Jun 12, 2024

In Boundaries Part 1 we took a brief look at what boundaries were and were not.  If we accept that boundaries define us and help us identify what we are responsible for and what are not; therefore, what we can control and what we cannot, we can begin to increase in confidence as we navigate our relationships and the world around us.  Poor boundaries can impact our life in very negative ways, leaving us feeling confused, fearful, and angry.  People with poor boundaries can find themselves confused by other people’s responses to their “help”, feeling like no matter what they do they can’t make people happy.  This often happens when we take responsibility for what other people are responsible for, doing things we are not being asked to do, or getting involved in things we should not be getting involved in even if we have been asked to do so. 



When we repeatedly take responsibility for what others are responsible for, we can impair our ability to focus on and handle our own responsibilities, leaving us feeling overwhelmed or like we are failing and later potentially angry and resentful. 



It can foster irresponsibility in the other by keeping them from learning from their mistakes.  They keep getting rescued by others from the natural consequences of their choices, which then means they will continue to end up in the same or similar situation with the expectation someone else will handle it.


Co-dependent is another term for someone who has very poor internal and external boundaries.  Their thoughts, feelings and reactions are dependent on those around them, particularly those close to them.  They take other people’s feelings and attitudes on.  For example, if their friend, family member or partner is having a bad day, suddenly they are having a bad day.  If one of them is mad at someone then we are mad at them.  If their friend is sad, they are sad, if their family member is happy then I am allowed to be happy.  They do not typically feel free to have their own opinion or point of view, but rather feel they must comply with the other to avoid conflict.


This is different than being empathetic.  When we are empathetic, we can put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and feel for them in the moment, offering comfort and understanding, but then can leave it with the person and not take it on and be consumed by it. We can experience another person’s point of view, rather than just our own, yet still be able to have our own even if it differs.  There is room for both.


So, what exactly am I responsible for and what are they responsible for?  Each person is responsible for managing their own feelings, thoughts, behaviors, attitudes, beliefs, choices, values, limits, desires, and resources.  These are the fundamentals we need to manage regardless of what other people may or may not be doing.  Just because someone else has a bad attitude or is behaving badly toward us, it does not justify us reciprocating the same in return.  We must decide the kind of person we want to be and how we want to respond to the world around us regardless of what others do because that is what we are responsible for. 


Having healthy boundaries is also about recognizing and respecting other people’s boundaries.  When we are clear on what defines our property lines, it makes it easier for us to identify someone else’s or at least where they should be.  We are accountable for what we know, so even when someone is not reinforcing their own boundaries, we still need to respect where we know they should be and not take advantage of them.  We can’t expect others to start respecting our boundaries if we are still violating the boundaries of those same people.



Communicating boundaries starts with knowing when it is appropriate to say no and how to say it without feeling guilty or fearing the other person’s response, yet also being kind and respectful. It is also about how to hear and respond to other people’s ‘no’ in a gracious and accepting way despite our own disappointment. 


Sometimes people manipulate and disrespect others’ boundaries because they want something from someone and don’t know how to handle the disappointment of not getting it.  They may use guilt, withdraw, or use aggression to get you to change your mind.  Sometimes people don’t respect boundaries because they feel entitled to something that is not theirs. Others may think they are “helping” and violate boundaries because they don’t trust the other person can handle themselves or figure it out.  It could be they cannot tolerate their own discomfort of watching someone they care about struggle, even when the struggle is a necessary element of growth.  It is important for our growth as well as other’s growth that we focus on taking responsibility for what is ours.






Michele Mulcahy, MMFT, LMFT-S

Owner, Clear Counseling

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