Communicating healthy boundaries begins with knowing who you are, what you want in a particular relationship, and what your limits are. Knowing who you are includes knowing what kind of person you are and the kind of relationships you want and need. If you want quality relationships with others, do you foster that by being an emotionally safe person? Do you know what you like and do not like?
If I am confident in my beliefs, values, and strengths, and have accepted my weaknesses and parts of self I may not like or be proud of without judgement, then I am not shaken by what others think, differences in opinions, or their negative reactions to my boundaries, etc. Then I can be free to focus on the other without being distracted by self-consciousness. However, I do want to be self-aware. What is the difference? Self-consciousness is concern with what others are thinking of me, often based in fear of judgment by others. Self-awareness is noticing the mutual impact of the interaction between self and others and overall, how I impact others.
How do we communicate respectfully but firmly without making others feel we are giving them an ultimatum? First, we must share authentically and congruently. If we are to be authentic and congruent, we must be able to identify the feeling actually driving the need to set a boundary. For example, often when we are angry or frustrated, it is because of an underlying feeling. Such as hurt, feeling unheard, feeling unimportant, etc. If we are telling someone we are hurt by their actions, but our energy, facial expression, and/or tone is angry, the person on the receiving end will react to the anger they are feeling from you, not the hurt.
What you are communicating is received as incongruent – you are hurt and maybe sad, but you are emoting anger and/or frustration. Being emotional and/or crying when you are sad and frustrated or angry does not mean you are being emotionally available to the other. Emotional availability is when the primary, underlying emotion you are feeling (ie, sadness, loneliness, fear of rejection, etc) and what you are communicating both in word and body signals all align and are congruent.
When you are clear about how you will allow people to treat you or not treat you, you can be more confident in your delivery. While you can’t always control how someone treats you, you can decide how you will respond and how long you will allow it to continue.
For example, if someone is upset with me and is behaving in an aggressive or demeaning way, I might reassure them that I want to hear them out, but if they continue yelling at me or verbally attacking me, I will calmly but firmly let them know I will not be ablet to hear them if they continue to speak to me that way. If they continue, I will let them know I will not engage in the conversation any longer and we will need to revisit this at a later time when everyone has had a chance to cool off. Then I will remove myself from the situation.
Sometimes when people are learning how to set boundaries, they go straight to letting the other know what they are going to do if the other doesn’t comply with their boundary right now in the moment. Ideally, try to address ongoing matters when they are not happening so we can warn others what our actions will be (ie, distance ourselves) if they continue to _______ (ie, be verbally abusive) We want to give them an opportunity to take ownership of their actions so they understand their behavior will largely impact what will happen moving forward. Then follow through. This allows you to feel in control of yourself and your actions, which then can help avoid resentment later.
By: Michele Mulcahy, MMFT, LMFT-S
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