Why Telling a Loved One to Leave a Narcissistic Relationship Can Do More Harm Than Good

If you love someone trapped in a narcissistic or emotionally abusive relationship, your instinct might be to tell them to leave. It feels like the right thing to do—after all, you want to protect them from harm and give them a way out. But as a therapist who has walked alongside many survivors, I want to share why that well-meaning advice can sometimes hurt more than help.

When someone is in a narcissistic relationship, they are often carrying a heavy burden of shame—shame that the abuser carefully planted and nurtured over time. This shame tells them they are not worthy, not lovable, or even to blame for the abuse they endure. When you tell them to leave on your timeline or pressure them to make a choice they aren’t ready for, you might unknowingly add to that shame. They may feel judged, like they’re failing you or others who care about them. This pressure can shut down their ability to open up, leaving them feeling even more isolated—and isolation is exactly what abusers want.

It’s crucial to understand that leaving an abusive relationship is rarely a simple or immediate decision. Trauma bonds—deep emotional attachments formed through cycles of abuse and intermittent kindness—can make the idea of leaving terrifying and confusing. Survivors often struggle with diminished self-worth, fear of retaliation, financial dependence, family or cultural pressures, and hope that the “good times” will return. These factors create a complex emotional landscape that can’t be rushed or forced.

So what can you do instead?

Your role isn’t to push or pull your loved one out of the relationship. It’s to be their safe place—someone they can turn to without fear of judgment or pressure. Listen to them with an open heart. Validate their pain, confusion, and doubts. Acknowledge the complexity of their feelings. Most importantly, remind them that you are there for them, no matter what decisions they make or when they make them.

Saying something simple like, “I’m here for you, whatever you decide, whenever you decide it,” can create a lifeline of safety. This unconditional support is often what begins the healing process long before any physical separation happens.

Remember, healing from narcissistic abuse doesn’t follow a straight line. It is a journey filled with hesitation, hope, setbacks, and breakthroughs. By offering understanding instead of ultimatums, you help your loved one regain trust in themselves and their own timing.

If you find yourself frustrated or helpless, know that this is a natural part of caring deeply. Seek support for yourself too, so you can stay grounded and patient. Your love and steady presence can become a powerful force for change—without the added weight of shame or pressure.

In the end, the most profound gift you can give someone enduring narcissistic abuse is the freedom to heal at their own pace, knowing they are never alone.

Written by : Suprit Gupta LAMFT

Therapist In Chandler, AZ